retrospective

Pi day- need I name the numbers?

A video project on the sense of sight, and whether light really coexists with darkness. 

To say the least, I haven’t had the heart to update- partly because of school, partly because of dealing with drama. I probably will drop hints here and there about what happened, but everyone I’ve talked to about this, thanks for all the good advice and support. I’m a little saddened, but at that same time, to not be the only person to go through things like this…I’m really grateful to the people that have sat me down to tell me things I never knew before, even when I never asked for it. I’m not sure if the intention of the statements will reach you all, but thank you, thank you guys so much, for everything. There’s a lot of things that went down the toilet this term, but there were bright spots.

The hardest part was dealing with the anger, the sheer inability to process the amount change in information. I’m not going to lie and say I’m OK with all this, like I’ve forgiven it all. I know I’m part of the problem as well, I’m don’t have that anger anymore, but the fact is something like this has bad memories, you can’t talk without wandering through a minefield while blindfolded, never knowing whether to stop and wait for the end, or keep walking.

Tired…I think that’s the word that describes it. Like little, superficial layers have been scraped off, and you think it’s OK, but really, there’s deep wounds buried here and there, and you never know when you’ll accidentally hit a pain spot. As much as you lose pieces of yourself, you gain something back, even if it means immeasurable pain. Nothing is ever in vain. I…believe in myself more than I ever have in the past, and you have to realize you can’t do that alone.

I’m coming to the realization that I can’t smile all the time, like I used to. It was really easy to fake a smile and walk away, but there were some really dark spots in the school term that just went back, and I realized I still don’t have my priorities in order. Sometimes, when you try to grab onto too many threads at once, you lose them all. Getting sick, being unsure about how to do school projects, not knowing what direction to walk in when everyone expects that you have a solid answer…I need a long break from school. I’m not going to take the part-time course I said I would over the summer. There’s been plenty of interesting new volunteer/ activities I’ve been looking at, and I know I’ll see new and old friends here and then in the coming months. I’ll just keep making the effort, and even if it doesn’t work out, I won’t regret not doing it in the first place.

I’m still plenty childish in many, many, many ways. I accept things in half-measures, but at the same time, I’m trying to move in and fill in the other half. It’s all a balance. I’ve decided to go home, despite having stated in the past the opposite desire to stay away- I think it will clear my head a little. It’s hard to get away from the bogged down thinking of an entire term mired in constant reminders of short-comings and failures of the self. Think of it like drowning, when you know you’re fully awake and aware.

Mid-youth crisis, perhaps? Is that even possible?

Anyways, I’m writing this as a reminder that…I’m human, after all. I’m not afraid of facing the failures I’ve taken this term, and I’ll just keep going, as best as I can. I promise the next post will be the same-old cheerful me, but…not right now. I want to make a point.

Hope exams and finals go well for everyone!

——————————-

Drawing…I’ve been doing mostly class assignments, and lot of the activities I do are attempts to offset the stress from it. It works sometimes, it doesn’t sometimes…its still a learning curve. Always will be.

Blogging- I’m going to keep blogging with the AAB gang. I know it’s a lot of work, and it’s not perfect, but I enjoy reading and writing for them. I really have to make my writing “simplified” in tone, and that’s my only regret, but I enjoy the thinking process, that it demands that you do a lot more than “just” watch a show. You have to sit, analyze the content, think about the approach to write the post, keep in mind who you’re writing for, and then go for it. Apparently we’re being entered into the AniBlog Tourney, so that should be exciting! I’m looking forward to meeting these people at Anime North, whoever they may be.

Imprint: Been busy this term, so I didn’t invest a lot into it. I’ll have to think about why I care about club activities more than school, there’s probably a mentality shift needed, or I just don’t know what I enjoy anymore. It’s just been running head-first in obstacles and problems all term, so a little peace in quiet will help. I did, somewhat, learn to use the DSLR, but I still mess up when I get nervous…that’s a pretty big hinderance in events, so I’ll be working on that when I get back in the Fall. I’ve been taking other photos with my beloved point-and-shoot, so taking photos is becoming more natural.

I wonder what being an editor-in-chief or head designer for a major Canadian newspaper is like. I’d imagine it’s a hard job, but one that you’d need a lot of passion and drive for. I’d like a chance to find out…someday. Co-op first.

I’m not sure what else to write, there’s just been so much that’s happened. Graduating friends telling me to visit them in x-country when they settle in, saying goodbyes…but not really. I’m sure I’ll see them again someday.

Summer trip- not sure where to go yet. I’ll figure it out when I’ve settled in at home. Not anywhere too far, or too close. Someplace where the people are in a different space.

Events! Hmm…Anime North, maybe TCAF, and some other stuff I’ll be updating the blog with.

Luckee had the idea to take the otome gaming to the next level and make our own. o.o I still need to complete Hakuoki, I just haven’t been in the right mindset to enjoy it to it’s fullest, but I will finish it! I’ve been following her walk-through, so it’s a lot easier to get through things. I’m not very good at hitting the flags, to be honest, and I swear I have a terrible memory for things. I’m not sure if this is something other people experience, but it feels like I don’t make an effort to remember certain things. And even so, when I try to make an effort because it’s important, it doesn’t gain any traction in my head, and there’s just this mass of unfinished thought and semi-memories that I remember occasionally. Anyways, tangent-

Learning Final Cut Pro. Spending hours in the East Campus Hall with no sleep, but not alone…there was good company to bug when you got bored. I’m grateful for people like Monkeywearsties for company at weird hours.

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